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Thursday, October 21, 2021

I’m married yet I depend on my male colleague for comfort and strength

File photo: Wedding

Nishant and I were married for seven years. Ours was an arranged marriage, but we had lived our courtship period to the fullest. Those evening meetings and chats made our bond even stronger.

With time, priorities changed and we both started focusing more on our careers and making ourselves financially strong and stable. Nishant is the most understanding and liberal husband that any woman can ever have in her life and yet there are many things in my life that were missing.

Things that a woman desires and expects from her husband. Simple things. I wanted to spend time together. I wanted him to look at me. And I wanted us to make love. But he didn’t have time even to talk to me…

After 12 hours of work, he wished to unwind watching TV or surfing the Internet. I was nowhere in the scheme of things. I always knew that he loved me but that love didn’t translate into any actions, gestures or words.

My subtle efforts of getting ready for him are always unrecognised; I ask him how I look. In response, all I get is a cool “You always look beautiful hence I didn’t react”, which sounds more like an excuse for his disinterest in me.

I accepted that our lives were parallel, not intertwined

We were living parallel lives in the same home. I had accepted life the way it was and focused more on raising my five-year-old kid and giving him the best possible upbringing.

Nishant got a fabulous promotion and had to relocate to a different city. I continued to live with my kid and his family.

He used to visit us on weekends and we spent our time either with family or sometimes going out for dinner or shopping never just with each other. Never a couple.

Life was moving smoothly, I thought. I had not realised the extent of loneliness that had been continuously creeping into me.

I had not realised the extent of loneliness that had been continuously creeping into me.

That’s when Siddhant entered my life.

My colleague gave me comfort and strength

I had known him for the last three years as we are colleagues at work but we started interacting recently for about two months. It started casually, then moved on to an emotional connection.

We started getting dependent on each other and the trust between us grew unimaginably. He always pampered me, brought me out of that lonely shell, told me what looks good on me and what I can do in life

But then Nishant had to undergo some medical treatment as the doctors suspected that it could be cancerous. I was shaken.

During that difficult phase Siddhant stood by my side day and night. He was always there with me virtually and has motivated me to stay strong and move on with a positive thought…

Thinking back, I don’t have words to express my gratitude towards him, the strongest and most knowledgeable person I have ever met in my life I could listen to him for hours. He has that charm that got me interested about even the most boring things! I could discuss everything with him.

Our WhatsApp conversations were elaborate, intimate… As our friendship grew stronger, our clear and pure relationship turned into a physical need and we decided to attain sexual pleasure.

The irony is not lost on me that I grew so close to him because he stood rock solid by me during my husband’s illness.

Then my husband found out about the affair

But the affair was short-lived. Nishant noticed our chats.

He was hurt. He went silent. I know him, he would never ask me about the messages. I couldn’t bear it. So I tried everything to make him speak up and bring out his anger.

And one day he cried out loud and said, “Why did you keep this chat in your phone, why didn’t you delete it?”

Later when we sat together and spoke, he said that he had three choices. Either to hit himself in rage or hit me, or he could have called up Siddhant and yelled at him to stay away from me. He didn’t opt for any of the three. Instead, he dealt with the situation very patiently.

Had I been the one cheated upon, I don’t know what my reaction would have been.

But my husband, despite getting hurt, said to me, I have not done anything wrong and it was just ‘need and pleasure’ which I was seeking from someone else.

He even took the blame upon himself that he was not able to give me proper time. I know that he is still disturbed, so am I. The scars will take time to heal.

I’m back to square one, with no loving attention

I will always admire my husband for his patience and attachment to me. On the other hand, parting with Siddhant has left me in a comfortless situation.

He wants me to move ahead without him for peace in my family life. And I move on with a heavy heart. I have the memories he gave me. I didn’t need him just to have my physical needs met.

He was the one who had the answers to all my queries, who understood me. Because of this man I had started living for myself. I will always miss him. He will stay in my heart and prayers forever.

Though my husband Nishant is very understanding and has given me time to come out of the whole thing completely, he doesn’t want to discuss this further.

My need for his time, companionship, having a fulfilling sexual equation with him are still unresolved issues. I find myself back to square one.

Back to the shell where my life is so-called happy. But for the forgiving gem of a person that he is, for his sake and for the guilt that I feel, I have promised myself that I will never do anything that may hurt him again.

Even if I have to carry the emptiness and this terrible heavy pain in my heart forever.

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